Paper Password Managers: Because What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Written By Noel Bradford

Once upon a time, someone had a brainwave in a world with electric cars, Mars rovers, and fridges that could order milk for you. "What if," they said, "we solved the password problem by... writing them down?" And thus, the humble paper password book was reborn. Sold with promises of peace of mind and security, yours for the low price of less than a fiver. Because nothing screams "state of the art" like jotting down your banking credentials next to your Netflix login in a notebook with a sloth picture on the cover.

Now, let us be fair. There is a rustic charm to the idea. A paper password manager cannot be hacked remotely. You cannot fall victim to a zero-day vulnerability in your notebook. You will never wake up to find your passwords leaked in some massive data breach orchestrated by a teenager in pyjamas. Paper is gloriously, stubbornly offline.

No software updates. No "your vault has been compromised" emails. No endless bloody MFA prompts. Just you, your trusty biro, and a growing list of passwords that, frankly, start to look like you sneezed onto the keyboard.

But reality does love to kick the door in. Sure, paper cannot be hacked remotely, but Dave can nick it from down the pub, glanced at by your cleaner, or lifted by a burglar who does not even need GCSEs to figure out where you bank. One misplaced notebook, one tiny slip, and your entire digital existence is up for grabs faster than you can say "shit."

Imagine the conversation: "Yes, officer, I lost my bank logins because I wrote them in a Poundland notebook and left it in Costa." Try saying it without wanting the ground to swallow you whole.

And then there is loss. Have you ever lost your keys? Your wallet? Your common sense after three pints? Imagine losing your master password book. No backup. No cloud restore. No "forgot password" link. Just a slow, creeping horror as you realise you are locked out of everything from your electricity bill to your fantasy football team.

That said, when it comes to domestic use, if you are not a total muppet about it, a password book can work. Write your passwords in a code only you understand. Keep the book locked in a bloody safe, not tucked under the sofa cushions beside the TV remote. Never label it "Passwords - Important" like you are starring in your own episode of Dumbest Criminals. And never, under any circumstances, leave the house with it.

Handled correctly, a password book at home is not the apocalypse. It is old-fashioned, like using a rotary phone or writing cheques.

But in business? No. Not just "no." Fuck no.

Business needs security. Actual security. Grown-up, boring, tedious, bulletproof security. Not "Scribble down the Office 365 admin account in a notebook and hope Karen from Accounts does not knock her coffee over it" security. Sensitive customer data, financial info, confidential documents — they deserve better than a bloody novelty notebook.

The only time you might even think about a paper password in a business is for a break-glass scenario. One. Single. Time. A critical system admin password, Microsoft 365, your CRM, whatever, is written down, sealed in an envelope, shoved in a safe, and forgotten unless someone gets hit by the proverbial bus. Not "left in a filing cabinet." Not "kept in the top drawer." Locked down like you are protecting nuclear launch codes.

Meanwhile, password managers exist in the sensible part of the world. They are boring. They are adult. They are everything your inner teenager hates. But they bloody work. Encrypted vaults, random password generators, breach alerts, MFA. They differ between "We detected suspicious activity" and "We detected you behaving like a clown."

Password managers are not exciting. You will not win an award for setting one up. But you also will not be sobbing into your cornflakes when someone empties your business bank account because you left your admin passwords in a Hello Kitty notebook.

Let us be real. Password books at home are fine, provided you are not a total idiot about them. Password books at work are just a solid no unless they are sealed tighter than Fort Knox and marked "Open Only If Brian Is Dead."

So next time you are tempted to buy a "cute" password organiser from Amazon, ask yourself: do I want to be the next cautionary tale in a cybersecurity seminar? Or do I want to be a functioning adult who takes basic precautions?

Your call. But if you choose wrong, do not expect much sympathy.

Sort your shit out.

Noel Bradford

Noel Bradford – Head of Technology at Equate Group, Professional Bullshit Detector, and Full-Time IT Cynic

As Head of Technology at Equate Group, my job description is technically “keeping the lights on,” but in reality, it’s more like “stopping people from setting their own house on fire.” With over 40 years in tech, I’ve seen every IT horror story imaginable—most of them self-inflicted by people who think cybersecurity is just installing antivirus and praying to Saint Norton.

I specialise in cybersecurity for UK businesses, which usually means explaining the difference between ‘MFA’ and ‘WTF’ to directors who still write their passwords on Post-it notes. On Tuesdays, I also help further education colleges navigate Cyber Essentials certification, a process so unnecessarily painful it makes root canal surgery look fun.

My natural habitat? Server rooms held together with zip ties and misplaced optimism, where every cable run is a “temporary fix” from 2012. My mortal enemies? Unmanaged switches, backups that only exist in someone’s imagination, and users who think clicking “Enable Macros” is just fine because it makes the spreadsheet work.

I’m blunt, sarcastic, and genuinely allergic to bullshit. If you want gentle hand-holding and reassuring corporate waffle, you’re in the wrong place. If you want someone who’ll fix your IT, tell you exactly why it broke, and throw in some unsolicited life advice, I’m your man.

Technology isn’t hard. People make it hard. And they make me drink.

https://noelbradford.com
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